I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
