wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
