when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
