Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
