Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
