we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
