so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So squirting runs in the family.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
