Heybabeimwearingurpanties
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize