Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
