drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
