if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
