Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
