just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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