dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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