Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
