I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
