That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The adults are the big ones right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
