does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
