We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
