you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
