Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
