You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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