after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
