so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
