Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
