Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
