I think im going to throw up on grandma
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
