I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
