Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
