it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
