I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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