I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
