the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
