Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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