Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
