Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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