i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
