Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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