He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize