If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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