Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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