my phone needs a breathalizer
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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