Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
