I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
