id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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