Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Randomize
