I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I pour the whiskey from now on
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
