I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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