I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
