i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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