3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
