He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
