Swine flu. Run for my life!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Houston, we have a blender
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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