apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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