Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
