so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
