And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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