I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
