grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
