It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
