How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
