I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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