I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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