The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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