i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize