Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
