I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
